Broken pencil

Living is funny. You try to live like a king, but mostly act like a clown. You want to shout, cry out loud, but all you find is stone wall. You see people getting what you want and people loosing everything you have. You have hope and you rediscover it after every failure. You search silver lightning after every cloudy day. We all act silly but make smart enough calls. We contradict ourselves and always find ways to surprise everyone around us.

Life is strange. Some times you just wish that you could change things, which you cannot by the way, and try to make things happen which have a snow ball’s chance in hell. You may find life like a broken pencil, pointless and with no use. The most annoying thing is that you just have to carry on, hoping that there will be peace when you are done, but you are never done. You are always busy managing life, mistakes, regrets, lies, chances and hope. Just when you start to feel things cant go any worse, life surprises you, and it does the same when you thing there is no chance for positive changes.

If you think that this thin piece of meaningless work will turn into a source of inspiration at some point then you must not go on with it. It will only go worse to worst as this is created from the sheer fear of nothingness. The worthlessness of things has woken me up from sleep at the middle of the night and I am shaking in fear since then. For the first time in my life, I am finding future scary. I don’t know if I have changed or I have just realized that the unknown darkness isn’t as exciting as I always thought it to be. We are all scared and the sad part is that life is not a soft drinks commercial and you don’t always find success beyond it. Sometimes, all you find is truth behind your fear and that is scary.       

Once, someone told me that if I keep pushing a wall then it will eventually fall, even if I cannot see it happening in my lifetime. He believed that we emphasize too much on ‘I’ when the world is a place full of it. If I start pushing the wall today, the movement may come after hundreds of years, with a final push from someone else, another ‘I’, but it will come for sure. 

I have now realized that none of us has got the lead role, no matter how much we act like it. We all have our little parts to play in order to run the universe right, but most of us fail to do so. We blame it on the luck, fate, others, life, life, government, neighbors, unpleasant weather, internet, social networking sites, people who have succeeded more than us and anything and everything under the sun, but the real truth is that we just wait for the script and it never arrives. We fail because we never find out what part is ours, and it’s mostly a little too late when we finally realize that we had to write the script on our own, and the writer we waited for never even existed. We wait for the magic to happen and forget that it takes a lot of practice behind the stage to make the magic perfect.    

I don’t believe in god, and I don’t even care if he is actually there so that I can kick the ass of that made up person, but, for last few days now, I have started to wish that he was actually there and he cared just a little. I know in the end I will just have to repeat Castiel’s angelic words “You son of a bitch! I believed in you.”